Author's Preface: There are a few things about this that still bother me. First of all, I never could figure out how to spell "Lurman." I picked one and went with it. Also, only one of the bridesmaids is ever called by a name (Daphne). The other two are simply called "Bridesmaid 1" and "Bridesmaid 2." Number one has short brown hair and Number Two has long brown hair. Daphne has blonde hair. I may have messed up which one speaks a line at some point, but I have no idea where. I think some of my choices of when to put scene breaks are kind of funky, I hope it's not distracting. At some points, the "camera" is panning down rows of people or whatever while someone is talking. I tried to balance the lines and the actions as much as possible without being distracting. I hope it worked OK. I also have this paranoid fear that I messed up coming back from a commercial break on my tape. This is most likely to have occurred at the beginning of scene 12. Probably, it's just some more pointless ramblings of the Minister, but if you happen to know what they are, drop me a line. One last note: if you don't like my punctuation or spelling of character names, I don't care (unless you happen to work for MTV). Transcription is a time consuming process, and it's a pain in the butt, so if you don't like my choices, tough. Happy reading! --- I Don't Scene 1: Outside the Morgendorffer house Daria: I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages once you get to the airport? Jane: They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya. [They open the Door] Helen:[off screen] Rita that is so wonderful. I'm so happy for you. You and Erin both. Daria: Uh, you better take a hike. Jane: What? Daria: My Mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty. Jane: Gotcha, later, huh? Daria: That remains to be seen.[She enters and goes into the kitchen.] Helen:[On the phone] I can't believe it, little Erin getting married. She's not rushing into this, I hope. No, no, of course not, 21 is,...I'm not implying anything. For goodness sake, Rita. I'm just...this is so exciting...where? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That sounds lovely. I presume Mom's footing the bill? No No.[voice drops to background] [Jake and Daria are sitting at the kitchen table] Jake: Your cousin Erin is getting married. Daria: So I gathered. Jake: You know there will be hell to pay...[Helen is off the phone, Jake stops speaking suddenly.] Helen: Well, I guess you all heard the good news. Little Erin is getting married [indignant] at the Windsor Hills resort in Leeville. Jake: Whoa! That will set Rita back a pretty penny. Helen: Not Rita, Mother. Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darling offspring. Jake: Windsor Hills...They've got that legendary 13th hole. Helen: Forget it Jake, no golf. Wedding Daria: I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this. Helen: On the contrary, sweetie, you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids. I made sure of that. Daria: Bridesmaids!? Quinn: Can I dye my hair if the dress doesn't match? Scene 2: Daria and Jane are walking down a street. Daria: What a hideous twist of fate: me, a bridesmaid. Jane: Oh, it won't be that bad. I mean sure, you'll have to wear some frilly peach colored dress that makes you look like a circus freak, and you'll be pinched by incontinent old uncles who that think you're still six years old, and Daria: Here we are [They enter the bridal shop] Saleslady: I'm sorry, we only do weddings. No funerals. Daria: Believe me, I'd prefer a funeral. Saleslady: Deary, you don't have to get married if you don't want to. Or do you? Daria:[Sighs] I'm a bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding. Saleslady:[At a computer] M-hm. Ah, here it is. Pity, they're such lovely dresses. [fitting Daria in dress] Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she deary? Daria: I think I'm going to be ill, is that a problem for you? Saleslady: Turn around, please Jane:[in an artificial-sounding southern accent] Oh Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day. Daria: I will kill you. And bury your body in this dress. Brittany: Daria? Brittany Daria[in unison]: What are you doing here? Jane: Isn't it obvious? An Arab sheik is in town looking to buy a few more wives Brittany: They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're MODELING! Daria: A bridal expo? That's a good message to send high school students. Jodie: It's a fund-raiser, for extracurricular activities. Jane: I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding? Brittany: What about you? Are you in a play or something? Daria: Yes, I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln. After she went crazy. Brittany: I didn't know she went crazy Jane: Oh yeah, that's why Lincoln shot himself. Brittany: Wow! Jodie: Come on Brittany. Let's finish our fitting and I'll tell you all about nice Mr. Lincoln and how he died. Brittany: You mean the bullet didn't kill him? Daria:[in pain] Ouch! Saleslady: Hold still, I'm having a hard enough time with your body as it is. Daria: Well, I think my humiliation is complete now. [enter Quinn from behind a curtain in the same dress, looking perfect.] Quinn: It does match my hair! Daria: I spoke too soon. Scene 3 In the Morgendorffer's car Jake: I don't know why you wouldn't let me bring my golf clubs. Helen: Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun. Jake: Who's escorting your sister to this, anyways? Helen: Well, she dumped the sculptor, the skydiving instructor had that horrible accident, and I believe that that Bruno is in some federal facility. So I don't know. Jake: That Rita sure knows how to pick 'em. [They pull up to the resort] Quinn: Wow Daria:[twitching her finger a la The Shining] Redrum, REDRUM! Jake: This will cost your mother a FORTUNE! Helen: Well what else would she spend her money on? Something boring like college funds for her other granddaughters? Jake: Ha ha ha, HEY! Helen: I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our girls have. Quinn: Advantages? Daria: You got me. Scene 4-at the wedding expo LHS. Mack: You know if the girls see us, we're going to die. They said we'd make 'em self conscious. Kevin: Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro. That's why they told us not to. Mack: Huh? Kevin: They knew if they invite us to a bridal expo, there's no way we'd go near the place. Mack: Then, uh, why are we here? Kevin: Forbidden fruits, man, forbidden fruits. Mack: When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you? Kevin: Sometimes. Salesman: Hey fellas! Just want you to know that we welcome same sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business. Scene 5: In front of the resort, the Morgendorffers pull up to a parking attendant. Jake: This is an expensive vehicle, be careful with it. Attendant: Yeah, right. [Rita walks out the door] Rita: Helen! Helen: Rita! Rita: How are you Jake? Jake: Well, I'm not bad... Rita: Oh the girls look lovely, but Daria, why didn't you get the same dress as the other bridesmaids? Daria: I did. Helen: I'm sorry about the rehearsal dinner, Rita. I had meetings all day yesterday afternoon, and by the time we got on the road [Paul walks out of door] Rita: Everyone, this is Paul. My beau. Paul: Hello. Jake: Paul Myerson? Paul: Jake. [To Rita] Jake and I were in Boyscouts together. You bring your clubs? Jake:[scowls] Hmmmmm. Daria: Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick 'em? Jake: Oh Daria! [red convertible pulls up with rock&roll playing] Quinn: Wow, who's that? Daria: Aunt Amy? Amy:[to Attendant] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station, and you're a deadman. Rita: Amy, how delightful. But I thought you weren't coming. Amy: I wasn't. But I figured if you two could put aside the years of bitterness and resentment, then so could I. For a day. Helen: Oh Amy! Why do you say such ridiculous things? Amy: Out loud? So Jake, you're still with Helen huh? Jake: Well, uh... Amy: Show's remarkable fortitude. And Roger, Paul: Uh... Amy: How's the skydiving going? Helen: Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul. Amy: Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do? Paul: Who's Roger? Quinn: He fell onto a cow. Paul: Ech! Daria: And he was one of the lucky ones. Helen: Girls! Amy: Hey, what's the point in a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it. I like the way you think Daria. Rita: Now Amy, I'm not sure where we're going to seat you. Helen: I need a drink Jake: Ha ha! Helen: Why are you laughing [Jake stops] Quinn: Wow, Aunt Amy is really weird. Daria: Yeah. [Clouds move in. Thuder sounds.] Commercial break. B&W clip of Daria quoting the Shining Scene 7: Resort Exterior (Random Chatter) There is a tent set up, where this conversation takes place Bridesmaid 1: It can't rain on Bryan and Erin's wedding, it just can't! Bridesmaid 2: That would be so awful, I couldn't stand it! Lurman: On the contrary, rain is an ancient symbol of fertility. Every couple should be so lucky. Daphne: Oh don't you see? A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Bryan and Erin's life. It may be rain out there, but in here the sun'll be shining. Daria: We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car. Daphne: You must be Erin's cousins. Quinn: I am! But Daria is...umm...her [muffled]cousin. Daphne: What? Quinn: Nevermind. Daria: Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob. Daphne: Oh, well how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us? Daria: I did. Daphne: Anyway, it's too bad you guys missed the rehearsal dinner. It was so fun. Let me introduce you to your escorts. [Leads them towards a pack of youngish men in tuxes] Daria, Quinn: this is Garret. [He's kinda hunky, you know. Not that I'd notice that kind of thing.] Garret: Hi. Daphne: Garret will be with Quinn. Daria: Of course Garret: Quinn, you're just about the loveliest little thing I ever saw. Quinn: Thanks! Do you think you could get me a soda with just a eensy-weensy slice of lemon please? Daphne: Daria, this is your escort, Lurman. Daria: Of course. Lurman: How do you do, Duh-rye-ah?[not hesitant, just mispronounced] Daria: It's Daria, actually. Lurman: Sorry. Daria: So...um, Lurman...Is that your first name or your last name? Lurman: Does it matter? Garret: Well, they seem to be hitting it off. Quinn: Oh yeah[puts soda glass on a waiter's tray] Scene 8: The Bridal expo. In the auditorium, Sandy is on the runway in a Wild West themed gown. Upchuck: She's rough, she's tough, she's lovely. Our Sandy is in a silk and rawhide outfit by Horris by Beverly Hills, proving that the happiest day of your life doesn't have to be dull. Stick 'em up, hombre! [Cut to: Mack and Kevin in the audience. Kevin is sleeping. Cut back to: stage where Brittany is on the runway] Upchuck: Va-Va-Va-Voom! Here's lovely Brittany in a sleek and satiny number from La Verve that says "This may be my wedding day, but I darnit, wanna dance!" [Back to Kevin and Mack] Mack: Wake up, it's Brittany! Kevin: Wha? Huh? [spills soda on his lap] Aw, man! [He stands up and it looks like he wet himself] Audience: Various noises Mack: Um, I think you're blowing our cover. Brittany: Kevin! What are you doing here? Kevin: Surprise, babe! Brittany: OOOHOOO![Storms off stage.] Scene 9: Resort Exterior, the clouds break. Minister: And as we share the joy of this young couple, Bryan and Erin, we are compelled to ask, what is love? [cut to Bryan and Erin, then fade in and out to suggest time passing] Yes love, like a tiny rivulet, which begins in a the high mountains and only after twisting and turning for thousands of miles overcoming uncountable obstacles, must eventually meet and merge with that great ocean of love, which is its birthright and its destiny. [While the Minister is talking, the "camera" pans down row of bridesmaids, ending with Daria cleaning her ear, then pans past Rita(crying), Paul(falling asleep), Helen (doing something weird), Jake (cleaning his ear) and Amy(sticks out her tongue). Cut back to: bridesmaids] Daria: [Laughs(she saw Aunt Amy) Bridesmaids look at her] It was her. [pointing to Quinn] Scene 10: Bridal Expo, By the booths. Kevin: Babe, I said I was sorry. Brittany: What if there had been someone there from a major talent agency? What then? Kevin: Well,...uh I guess they'da seen that your talented. Brittany: Oh, that's what you guess, is it? More likely they'd guess I was dating the king of the jerks, and they'd be right! [Walks by a floral display] Wow! Look at all these flowers! Are these for sale, or just display? Scene 11: Back at the resort, indoors, at the reception Paul: So they said to me, "Why don't we just make you V.P. and have you take over the whole damn operation." And here I was, 29 years old. Jake: Yeah, you mentioned that. So, how'd you meet Rita? Paul: Well, you know, we both love the sea. I have a sailboat,... Jake: And she's a little dingy! [Laughs at his own joke] I'm kidding of course. Paul: Let's face it, Rita is a little flighty, but she's a tiger in the bedroom. [Close-up on Jake, who turns to look down the bar] Helen: [to bartender] Keep pouring. Jake: Yeah, well, [back at Jake and Paul] I guess it uh runs in the family. [Cut to: table with Lurman, Daria, and Garret] Lurman: [Soft mumbling] Daria: Uh-huh. What did you say? Lurman: Just more pointless chit-chat. Forget it. [slurps his drink] Would you like another soda? [slurps his drink] Daria: Mmm, no, uh... Lurman: Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest, and not as an incitement to any type of actual self destructive behavior. Daria: You're not from around here, are you? Erin: Daria! There you are, I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding! Daria:[particularly monotone] It was a lovely ceremony. Erin: Oh, but you haven't met Bryan! Isn't he marvelous? He works for the government. [whispers] Intelligence! Bryan: Erin! Erin: I know, I know. I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting? Bryan: If our national security is compromised, you can bet there's a womon at the bottom of it. Erin:[laughing at the misogynistic joke] Oh you! Daria: Oh G-d. Bryan: Hey Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else? Daria: I am. I think I'll go to the- Bryan: Little girls room? Daria: Yeah, the little girls room. I'm gunna to powder my nose and then check the seems on my nylons.[Leaves] Lurman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard "intelligence," but that can't be right. [Cut to: doorway near bathrooms] Minister: A wild, broiling, surging ocean of love, over which we as mere individuals have no control. Do you understand what I'm saying? Quinn: Um, I'm not sure. Daria: Hi Quinn. Hi Father. Minister: Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest. Daria: The important thing is that you're the voice of morality in the community. [walks into bathroom] Amy:[Looking in mirror]I hate myself in a formal dress. And everyone else, too. You don't look too thrilled about things, either. Daria: Oh no, I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life isn't humiliating enough. Amy: Let's see, you're in college now, or something. Daria: Still high school, unfortunately. Amy: I have some vague memories of high school, but these days you all carry weapons, right? Daria: Well, not to formal occasions like this. Amy: That's where you kids make your mistake. Commercial Break: B&W clip of Bryan and Erin Scene 12: Still at resort. [in front of bathroom] Minister: Love thy brother, love thy parent. Every time you turn a page, love, love, love. Quinn:Wow! [inside bathroom] Amy: I thought when I hit 30 I'd stop feeling out of place at these family things. Daria: You feel out of place? Amy: You didn't notice that my sisters were so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar. Daria: Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean you're kind of- Amy: Cool. Daria: Um. Amy: I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the Teenagers. Daria: Thank you for respecting it. Amy: When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then one day I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's BS. Ever. Daria: So it actually worked out pretty well. Amy: Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm, it's a great way to deal. [puts on glasses like Daria's]But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Daria: Nah. Scene 13: Bridal expo, by the booths Mack: Hey, what's the matter? Jodie: This whole thing is starting to get to me. I mean, Daria had a point. Why should high school kids be thinking about marriage? If I see one more sweet dopey girl stuck with a lame brained idiot- Kevin and Brittany:[Kevin's arms are full of flowers] Hi! Scene 14: Resort inside [bridesmaids are standing around table where Daria, Lurman, and Garret were before. Daphne is sitting in Garret's seat. He is standing.] Daphne: Not even the pep squad? Daria: Not even the pep squad. I'll be honest with you, Daphne, I just can't find the time Bridesmaid 1: How come? Daria: Well, first of all, there's my work. Bridesmaid 2: What do you do? Daria: I'm an exotic dancer. You know...at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men. Daphne: Really? Wow. Lurman: She's really very good. Bridesmaid 1: You've seen her!? Garret: I'd better go check on Quinn. I can't imagine what's keeping her. [cut to table where Helen and Jake are sitting and Paul and Rita are standing by] Rita: It was lovely ceremony, though. Wasn't it? Jake: It really was, Rita. Rita: I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here. Helen: Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive. Jake how 'bout getting me another glass of wine? Jake: Gee, honey, maybe you shouldn't. Helen: Jake, I'd really like another glass of wine, now! Jake: Right. Rita: Helen, you're not bitter about this. Helen: Rita, puh-lease, why would I be bitter? You and Erin deserve the best. You always have. Rita: Oh no, I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions. [Amy enters] Amy: Hi, what are you two arguing about now? Helen: Arguing? We're not arguing. Amy: Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG, and all you got was a Plymouth Valiant? Rita: My goodness, Amy, the things you remember. Helen: It was a Dodge Dart. [Cut to: Minister and Quinn] Minister: I guess what I'm trying to say Quinn is, I may be a man of the cloth, but I'm also a man. [enter Garret] Garret: Quinn, there ya'are. Father... Minister: Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest. Garret: We've all been wondering where you were. Quinn: Really? Garret: Well, I know I have. Minister: I've just been explaining to Quinn how emotions can be very confusing for young people, like yourselves. Garret: With all due respect, Father, I wonder if maybe you're not the one with the confusing emotions. Minister: I'm not sure I take your meaning. Garret: Oh, I think you do. Quinn: Oh, no. [Cut to Daria's table] Daria: So it turns out you can go through training and be up there working on the space station in under three months. Now I'm just waiting for my Tang. Bridesmaid 1: Wow, is that true? Daria:[sighs] No, it's not true. I just made it up. Also, I'm not an exotic dancer, I don't know Seal, and I wasn't abducted by the Undersea Fish People. [the three bridesmaids confer] Daphne: We've decided we'd better not talk to you anymore. Daria: What? Daphne: It's not that we don't like you, it's just... Bridesmaid 1: You have problems. Lurman: Well, duh. [Cut to: Helen and Jake's table] Jake: Honey, maybe we oughta think about getting back. Helen: No, my little party's just beginning. [holds glass high]WAITER! Jake: Here, I'll get you some coffee, and wedding cake. Helen: Oh Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up, right in front of her. Jake: Helen, uh, you're being kind of loud. Helen: Oh no, we don't want a scene, do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely mother spent so much lovely money on. Do we? Paul: Is everything OK here? Helen: Well you were right about one thing: she sure knows how to pick 'em. Paul: Hey look. Jake: Keep it down. Paul: Wanna make me? Rita: What's going on? Helen. Erin: You know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your pathetic boyfriend is making a scene. Paul: What do you mean pathetic? Jake: Look in the mirror, pal! Helen: I just want to say one thing Rita, you may be the pretty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off... Erin: Aunt Helen, please. Bryan: What's going on? No cat fights, ladies. Rita: Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecile. [Cut to: Daria's table, with Amy] Amy: Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty, but unobtrusive exit. Daria: Really? Amy: Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch. Daria:[to Lurman] I'm, uh, taking off. Lurman: Oh sure, leave me to the dogs. Daria: You can come if you want. Lurman: No, I'd prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun, though. Daria: Yeah[they shake hands] Amy: Oh, all right. I'll eat too. [Amy and Daria start walking] Amy: Follow me. Don't look to the right or left. There's nothing you can do for these people now. [They walk by the Minister and Garret pulling punches] Scene 15: Exterior of Leeville lanes Amy: This place oughta do. Daria: Aunt Amy? Amy: Just Amy. Daria: Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or just a phase? Amy: Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it any time now. [they enter] Amy: Coast is clear. Sick Sad World guy: [On the TV] One three ton puppy's not enough for this red hot mammal. The polygamist hippopotamus, when Sick Sad World returns. [Bryan is sitting at the bar(how the hell did he get there before Daria and Amy?)] Bryan: I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you. Amy: Does he look familiar to you? Daria: I think I saw him on "America's Least Wanted." Amy: I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child? Daria: OK, what was she? Amy: A tightly wound pain in the ass. Daria: New topic? Amy: Name it. Scene 16: Back at the resort. A police car is parked in front, lights on. [inside, Quinn is wiping Garret's face] Garret: I don't, I, I don't know what happened. One minute I had him, and then. Quinn: Shush, shush, shush. [Cut to: Paul and Cops] Paul: Everything's under control here, Officers. Why don't you two go have a cup of coffee or something[hands a wad of cash] On me. [Cut to: Beat-up Minister and Daphne] Minister: Don't worry, I'm no stranger to pain. [Cut to: main hall, with Helen and Rita very drunk and sobbing] Rita: I love you, Helen. Helen: I love you too. Scene 17: The golf course, night. Caddie:[holding a flashlight] Sir? Wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime? Perhaps with some partners? Jake: Don't talk son, you're shaking the light. THE END